I've always understood that I didn't want to do it if it didn't do anything for me. Bring me joy, connection, and even new opportunity. If it didn't go with that flow I wasn't going, but this kept showing up in a host of ways throughout my life that I wasn't seeing because of the way I was flowing.
In school I "struggled" because I immediately found value in the non-traditional forms of things. Going off the yellow brick road. And honestly if I would've locked in then, I could've made something out of my early realization, but instead I was overwhelmed, confused, and just straight ignorant and ungrateful. Took many things for granted.
This isn't a story about regret or confession. It's a continuous one about finding meaning in life. Because that was my next problem.
I struggled first with school assignment deadlines because I didn't care about the work or the future it could get me towards. Anything that involved traditional schooling turned me all the way off.
Then once I finished school, tried community college not even long enough to say I went, I stopped going and decided to lock in on building Project Fishtank. My bread and butter, my request for the life I know I can live. I don't want to be famous. I just want to share all the tools I've gathered from years of trials and errors and many mistakes I've made being the very timid guy I am.
So yeah, I thought it was a deadline problem. Then I thought it was a passion problem. You know? If I'm not going to be able to go down the safest route, then what are my options? Make money as a creative. Get in where I fit in.
But that's when I was able to solidify what I have as Project Fishtank now as you see it. And now that I'm really getting through and actually getting real reps, this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I used to be scared because this is so special to me. But the more I interact and just allow my project to exist in the real public, I get happy and motivated to do good and keep going. Hence why I'm not giving up.
But now I'm understanding that it's really a consistency and start filter problem. I want to work. I want to know what to work on. But I want to make sure I work on the right things and see them through to completion.
For a year, I tried to build the "perfect me." I stacked everything. Every skill I wanted. Every project I imagined. Every avenue of life I wanted to explore.
I wanted all of it. At once.
And instead of doing it in a healthy, slow, gradual transformation, I stacked everything and broke whatever system I was trying to build. I became worn out trying to get 1% closer to this image I created.
Which is totally doable. But it wasn't sustainable for me back then.
The event put me on pause on everything. I couldn't sustain everything at once, so it burnt me out from being able to even do one thing at a time.
I performed a backlog audit.
I recalled everything I had installed — every project, every goal, every avenue of life I wanted to explore. I separated it into still installed and put on hold.
What I found: I still had all the shit I wanted to do installed, and it wasn't going anywhere. I needed space.
So I put everything on pause except for the most important priority task. The one that mattered most in terms of progress, passion, and fulfillment.
Project Fishtank.
For 30 days, I committed to doing the one project. Because now I had clarity. I no longer had to move in the dark and remain blind.
I don't talk about Project Fishtank much. It took me a while to figure out why. I thought it was fear. I thought I was waiting until I had more to show for it. But the real answer is simpler and harder to admit.
It's too special to me.
Project Fishtank is my request for a fun life. It's the idea I came up with after high school because I didn't want to work a regular job. My dream was to build my own living, not someone else's dream. If this goes the way I need it to, I get the reward for this life.
That's not a side project. That's my gamble on myself.
And I think that's why I've been slow to share it. When something is yours, truly yours, you don't want outside voices shaping it before you've built it your way. I'd rather get it right in private, then put it out, let people criticize and give feedback, and then iterate from there.
That sounds reasonable. It also sounds like hovering over the work.
Because the truth is, I've been doing the work. I got back on track. I got clear. I have my ideas organized and ready to use. I'm building something. I'm in it right now.
I just haven't told anyone.
My bio was still outdated. I hadn't reached out. I hadn't started the conversations I knew I needed to start. And it wasn't because I wasn't ready. It was because I was protecting something that was never in danger.
Nobody can take this from me. Nobody can dilute it just by seeing an early version. The words I haven't posted yet aren't safer in my head. They're just invisible.
I wasn't busy. I was hiding.
So I wrote that. Looked at it. And then I actually did something about it.
I updated my bio and profile picture. I replied to Mark Manson. I posted every day. I wrote things I meant. I got clear on what I'm building and why.
That's more than I've done in years of hovering.
I don't know what next week looks like. I'm not going to promise you consistency I can't prove yet. What I know is that I updated my bio. I replied to someone whose work I respect. I wrote things I meant. I got clear on what I'm building and why.
That's more than I've done in years of hovering.
I'm not hiding anymore. I'm building. And I'm going to keep letting people see it.
If that resonates, I write a newsletter about finishing what you start using gaming as the lens. New issue every 2 weeks. projectfishtank.com/subscribe
-Fish
